What's Next?

Change is Good

Today is the day!

I have managed to somewhat successfully start my new blog site under my owned domain name.

The link:

What's Next Blog

I purchased this domain some time ago and a couple of others but I was a little (a lot) overwhelmed with the undertaking.

The Catalyst:  this morning I could not manage to successfully change my banner on Typepad.  I tried it on the new site and it worked so, I took a deep breath and exported, imported, uploaded, had a glass of wine and crossed my fingers.

It worked!  It's up, for the most part anyway.  I still have to figure out how to add my favourite links and a few other lists but, it's a start.

I will have the Typepad site up for another month to iron out the wrinkles but, please, change your bookmarks to the new one.  See you on the flip side!

What's Next Blog!!  http://whats-nextblog.com

Travel: Making You a Better Traveller, Part Two - Passenger Etiquette

If you have followed all of my previous travel advice, you have successfully booked your airline ticket, acquired an amazing seat, successfully maneuvered security and are now preparing to board.  In this episode, we will discuss how not to piss off your fellow travellers.  This is more important than, well, anything so please pay attention.

Getting onto an airplane with a hundred other travellers is one of the most extreme invasions of personal space known to man.  If my following list was mandatory reading and breaking these rules was punishable by death, this would still be an unpleasant experience at best.

Airline Passenger Etiquette - A Life Lesson

1.  Put your Overland Steamer trunk into Checked Baggage.  Those guides that the airlines provide with the carry-on baggage dimensions are meant as a maximum allowed, not a goal to be reached.  The overhead bins are for storing your fragile items and things that you may need while on the flight.  They are not meant to hold everything you are travelling with because you don't want to drag your lazy-ass to the luggage carousel following your flight.

2.  Think of the Seat Armrest as an Invisible, Impenetrable Barrier. If any of your body parts have ventured beyond this invisible line, immediately correct and apologize.  That includes, but is not limited to, shoulders, elbows, knees, feet and abdomen.  If there comes a time that you need to impose on someone's personal space because you forgot to pee before boarding and you have had a steady infusion of fluids, you must ask the victim to please excuse you.  You must never assume that the passenger on the aisle would rather remain seated and have you lap-dance your way out, even if said passenger appears to be sleeping.  Also, when standing up, use your own seat to maintain your balance not the seat and hair of the person in front of you.

3.  Shower.  Seriously.

4. Just because your Seat can Recline, does Not Mean that It Must. Fully reclining your seat is a huge intrusion into the limited amount of space that the person behind you has available.  If it is a long, overnight flight and the Flight Attendants have turned down the lights, acceptable.  Short flights, food or beverage service times, middle of the day; act like it's the middle of the day and sit up.

Exhibit A:  This picture was taken prior to taxi (yes, before the flight) around noon:

Is this really necessary?

5.  Children...*sigh*. If they are your children, they are your responsibility.  Take control!  Do not feed them every piece of airport sugar available prior to the flight.  Do not allow them to make faces and yell through the crack between the seats.  Do not allow them to touch people as they run up and down the aisles.  Do not ask your childless neighbour to hold them so you can eat your meal.  Do not fly with more children than you can handle; I strongly suggest no more than a 1:1 ratio.  Please consider flying during their regular sleep time and feel free to discuss mild sedation therapies with your family doctor.

6.  Conversation with your Flight Neighbour.  Really not mandatory.  Pleasantries are fine but, if your neighbour answers with one word, smiles politely and then goes back to her reading, you likely should not be asking about her job, children, home address and political views and it's probably safe to assume that she doesn't want to know about yours.  We are all forced together in our assigned seats so, please, do not consider a flight as a place to make business contacts or find a date.

Enjoy your flight and try to let others enjoy theirs.

F***ing Crutches!

So, I've broken my foot.

 

Dear Dutch X-Ray Techs:  FYI, this is not a natural foot position.  In my country, we administer Morphine before sending our patients to see your kind.  It does not make me feel any better to have you tell me that you know it hurts.  Morphine.  Seriously.

And, this is what you get when you break that little bone known as your fifth metatarsal:

And, these:

Seems like a bit of overkill until you accidently weight bear on that little tiny bone and feel like this:

In the two weeks preceeding this tragedy, I did many things that would have been well-deserving of some sort of injury.  I trekked around the precarious landscape of Iceland (narrowly escaping a volcanic eruption, it seems), I paraglided in the Black Forest, I wore high heels on the cobblestones of Holland, I rode my motorcycle and I did Yoga.  I came away unscathed until I did something really stupid....

I walked.  On a sidewalk.  In sport sandals.  Tevas, no less.

You know when you just twist your ankle a little and your greatest injury is the one to your pride because someone may have witnessed your floundering recovery?  I've actually done this exact move many times before but it's generally not associated with a crunching noise and a flash of lightning.

Of course, I did not go in to see a Doctor right away.  I'm a medical professional and it seemed totally stable to me so, instead, I chose to go home in a taxi for a million euros and moan about it for the night, overdose on anti-inflammatories and ice it for five hours to see if my foot would sort itself out because fractures often do that..... heal overnight.  Twelve hours later, after soliciting the opinions of everyone else in the house, I admitted that I likely needed to get it checked out... just to make sure there was nothing seriously wrong.

Denial is a powerful adversary.  Even when the Doctor stated the obvious next step, the x-ray, I told her that I was certain that it wasn't broken and it likely wasn't necessary.

Doctor:  "Can you take a few steps towards me?"

Me:  "Do you need me to go somewhere or is this a test?"

Doctor:  "It's a test."

Me:  "Okay, an x-ray then."

But, believe it or not, all of this is not the worst part.  The Crutches!

In the rational part of my brain (small part greatly removed from the words and actions part), I knew that I did not require total immobilization or a hospital admission for this injury but, really?  The medical professionals chose to turn me loose after adding 10 kg to one leg, injecting me with heparin and giving me a pair of crutches to make my way in the world after I broke my foot while walking.  Wow.  Really?

The first couple of days, or week and a half, were really frustrating!  Literally every move had to be meticulously planned out.

Morning coffee:

1.  Crutch walk to stove.  Park crutches at counter corner.  Crutches do not park well and generally topple... takes practice.

2.  Unscrew percolator, pivot and hop three hops to garbage to empty grounds from yesterday.

3.  Three hops back to sink.  Rinse.

4.  Two hops to left (hold counter) and get coffee and nutmeg.

5.  Remember to get coffee mug and spoon down while on that side of the kitchen.

6.  Left rotation and stretch to place mug and spoon on the island.

7.  Pivot back to coffee and nutmeg, pick up (in one hand if possible) and hop three times to right (hold counter).

8.  Assemble coffee percolator, right turn and lean to place on stove top.  Turn on burner.

9.  While waiting for coffee to perc, three hops to the right to get milk from fridge.

10. Right demi-pirouette and lean forward to put milk in mug on the island.  Reverse action to return milk to fridge.

11. Wait for coffee (not worth the effort to go and sit down).

12. Position body halfway between stove and island.  Use right hand to pick up coffee pot, gently turn 180 degrees counter-clockwise and pour coffee into mug.  This must be done smoothly as there is no hopping while holding liquids, especially really hot ones.

13. Return coffee pot to stove (make sure stove is turned off, lesson learned).

14. Get crutches and crutch walk to island, slightly passing the end the coffee mug is on.

15. Move both crutches in one hand and balance.

16. Slide coffee mug to the other end of the island (as close as possible to the dining table).

17. Crutch walk to the dining chair closest to the kitchen and park crutches in the corner between the cereal cabinet and the wall.  They will likely fall once the cat comes around.

18. Sit in chair.

19. Rotate upper body in chair to reach behind to island and get the coffee mug.

20. Enjoy.  That was the first fifteen minutes of your day.

I am so over that.  I can now do that whole thing in no more than twelve minutes.  Fortunately, I limit myself to one cup because the flushing of the excess fluids is almost as complex.

Here is what I have learned:

• Anything that I have forgotten upstairs, can stay there.
• I have a great bladder.
• My house needs to be cleaned.
• Small kitchens have their advantages.
• Two flights of stairs in one house is too much.
• Crutches slip on talc.
• Crutches slip on towels.
• Crutches slip on water.
• All sidewalks are uneven.
• For training purposes, I'm glad my Hubbybaby has broken his legs in the past.
• My cat fetches.
• Online tutorials can fill an entire day.
• Wine and Advil do mix.  Ok... knew that one already.
• The sixteen-year-old boy can be really useful.
• Spiders freak me out way more when I know I can't run away.
• I have no patience.
• I micro-manage waaaay more when I can't do things.

I am two weeks into a four week sentence.

Memories of Berlin

Just a little photo-break to switch it up a bit.

 

Travel: Making You a Better Traveler Part One - Pre-Flight

Traveling is something that everyone should try to do at some point.  My life has been enriched and my world broadened by the few, yet noteworthy, countries I have visited, the diverse people I have met and the supercool pictures I have taken.

Having said that...

Today, and over the next few entries, I will take it upon myself to bust the illusion of glamour out of world travel and possibly give a few hints on how to make it not suck quite so much.

I travel for work, a lot, so I am getting better at it; better at handling the system, not the experience.  Despite what the airline and tourism propaganda would like us to believe, travel is no longer the glorious, awe-inspiring episode in our lives that we should feel lucky to encounter.  Because of increased security, low-ball flight prices and airline market grappling, passengers are herded into cues, rushed through intrusive security checks, touched, and then crowded onto an aircraft that has as many seats as the airlines can possibly fit into a small space.

Following are a few of my personal recommendations that will help you feel a little more in control of your glorious flying experience; all found through trial, error and survival instinct.

Flight Planning.

Book your flight online.  By doing so, you will have electronic access to your flight information including the airline’s small print, luggage rules, schedule, aircraft type and seating.

Select your seat.  If you don’t choose your own seat, you will be seated in a middle seat that doesn’t recline and is dangerously close to the toilets, I promise you.  Depending on the airline and/or flight, you can choose a seat when booking but sometimes they charge for that privilege.  Check your online information a month and a week before your flight to see if the “seat selection” option has become available.  At the latest, you can check in online 24 − 36 hours in advance and select your seat then.

Even if you have been brilliantly proactive and have selected your seat ages in advance, check back as the airline may have changed aircraft and your emergency row exit aisle seat will then have become cattle class middle seat.  It happens.

If you would like to know which seats are the best ones on your flight, check out an aircraft seating sight such as SeatGuru.  SeatGuru has layout diagrams of most airlines’ aircraft with explanations as to why certain seats are better or not so good.   When selecting my seat, my first choice is an emergency row exit seat for a few good reasons:  extra legroom, no kids allowed and I figure that someone slightly competent should be sitting there in case there actually is an emergency.

Check in online!   Select your seat, check in online and print your boarding pass at home.  If you do not, the airline can still change your seat because someone is at their counter, in their face, whining for your seat.  Secure it!  Also, some airports have a much shorter cue if you have already printed your boarding pass and only need to check your baggage.

Speaking of baggage.  Most airlines allow one check in piece with a weight limit and one carry-on piece plus a purse or small camera bag.  Pack your suitcase as though it will be thrown into a demolition derby arena in a rain storm. That would be a mere warm-up compared to what airline baggage handlers are capable of.  A small yet worthy investment:  a wrap around suitcase strap that you can purchase for under 10 euros at any luggage shop.  When your guaranteed-for-life suitcase zipper breaks on its first voyage, you will be glad that at least some of your unmentionables are still on board.

Pack your carry-on bag so that you can locate, remove and replace everything contained therein faster than a sniper can assemble his rifle in the bushes.  Start packing your bags empty so that you have no reminders of your last outing brought to your attention by airport security.  That can be an embarrassing and expensive oversight.  No liquids greater than 50 ml, no lighters, no multi-tools, no knives, no nail clippers, no scissors, no you can NOT take the bottle of water that you just purchased..... not an exhaustive list by any stretch.  You will have to take out your laptop, liquids and possibly your camera for inspection so do not bury them at the bottom of your bag.  No one in the security line up wants to see your colourful boxer-briefs and condom collection that you must remove to get at your computer.... yay, Amsterdam.

While we are on the topic of airport security....

Simple rule:  Don’t Wear Metal.  If you do, you will have to take it off.

In most airports, you will have to remove belts, shoes, jackets, all pocket contents, watches and costume jewellery.  If you have a metal plate somewhere in your body, carry a medical card stating that you have one, unless you haven’t had any action in a while and you enjoy the thorough search that you are sure to receive.  To each his own, I don’t judge.

Dear Airport Security:  Bras have underwire.  Most women over the age of consent are wearing them.  This should no longer be a surprise but, thanks for the grope, it made me feel special.

Well, I’m exhausted.  The next instalment will be a must read about the flight and passenger etiquette; feel free to quote me.

Mission Get Fit

January 15, I was told by my work physician that I was unfit.  Unfit for what, I ask.  Unfit for release into general population?  Unfit to practice?  Unfit to parent?  I would have believed all of those before the truth.... physically unfit.

Let it be known that I feel that a Dutch doctor, with his six feet of ectomorphic physique, has no idea how well I fight my non-ectomorphic Romanian genetics.  Seriously, if he came to one of my family reunions, he would give me a gold star.

Despite my excuses and a fair amount of pouting, a plan had to be made.  The plan revolves around accountability once again.  This time I am trying it with enthusiasm.  Ra-ra.

I have now been using the website livestrong.com for a couple of months to enter foods, exercise, water intake, weight, goals, etc. for the intent purpose of losing some (or all or more) of the weight I have gained since moving to Europe.  Way too easy to screw up.  Love it.

Helpfully, I am on yet another Russian mission where the food is, well, not that difficult to turn down (excepting the pouting and disapproving looks from the Russian kitchen staff).  I also have easy access to an in-house gym (small gathering of non-commercial fitness equipment) and the wine really sucks so it has been easy to cut that out as well.  When I first started this great, life-altering adventure, I was concerned as to whether I would be able to keep up these positive changes once I returned to the world of cheese and good wine.  The answer to that concern?  I could show you the weight “loss” graph but I’m just not willing to share that much at this point; it’s not pretty but I held the newly cast away kilograms at bay though not many more joined them.  Baby steps.  I've come to terms.

Speaking of wine, when I fired up the livestrong.com account I had a huge shock:  there was one recorded day, before my incarceration, that my red wine consumption constituted 50% of my caloric intake for the day.  Soooo not cool.  Please at least act surprised.

My professional dieting recommendation (because I can do that now); if you are going to drink, it is best not to eat anything.  Everything balances out better that way, trust me.

Also, speaking of wine, I do occasionally take these opportunities, while away from home, to prove to myself (and my father) that I am not an alcoholic and, I am happy to report, I am not!  Last mission I was without wine or any other alcohol for 23 days; long past the Delirium Tremors window.  Good to go.  I did, however, have a problem weaning myself off the green tea and carbonated water but that’s another issue.

Back from my digression....

I am all about the gadgets and accountability.  After a kick-ass start at the Russian sponsored Fat Farm / Rehab Clinic (also known as my work assigned accommodation), it was important to find a way to keep on the positive side of the graph once I was home.  Purchases:  one digital scale, one heart monitor, one supercool gadget that made my heart monitor talk to my iPhone and one million iPhone apps that would record, graph, play inspirational music of my choosing and email to me everything I did to gain or burn a calorie.  I am truly a puppet.

But, I am a successful puppet thus far.  How do I measure success, you ask?

Most days, the scale is no longer the enemy.  Knowing that the third floor window is dangerously close, the scale still quivers some days before giving a readout.  Those days are becoming fewer.

I have given away a few items of clothing that are too big.  Well, three to be exact but I am also fitting into things that I have had to brush dust off of.

I crave the morning work-out.  That is seriously surreal.  The trick is to make sure that the appropriate attire is closely standing by.  I am a half hour into my morning jaunt before I realize that I am out of bed; perfect.  If I had to look for a shirt, I would stay under the cozy duvet.  Knowing my limitations is key.

Hail to the cheerleaders!  I am so fortunate to have the support of my Hubbybaby and the rest of my family.  The Amazing Man tells me that I look great, sexy and all that (though, suspiciously, he didn’t tell me that I wasn’t all those things in December)... but, now I’m more so.  Yay!  Liam-the-sixteen-year-old boy has congratulated me on my 5 km time being a mere four times what his is and, my daughter quickly and quietly whisked away my slightly over-sized clothes before I could change my mind.

What are the numbers?  Better than yesterday.

Lunch with the Kids. Better than Dinner Theatre.

1.  Conversation with a sixteen-year-old boy:

Him, “Did you see that lady in the jean jacket?”

Me, “Sure.  I think she’s a little off.”

Him,  “Honestly, Mom, crazy people really freak me out.  You never know what they are going to do.  They could, like, rip their eyeball out and throw it at you.  Or, worse, they could drill their thumbs into your eyeballs, which would hurt even more.”

That conversation happened less than three minutes following a discussion on university programs.

2.  Conversation with the sixteen-year-old boy and his twenty-year-old sister, over lunch:

Her, “I will be getting an A for my forensic psychology final.  One of the questions was referring to a difficult circumstance surrounding an interview with a recovered Child Soldier.”

Me, “Excellent!”

Him, “We should get a cat.”

Her, “I love your A.D.D.”

Him, “Not A.D.D.  I thought about how the Child Soldiers were drugged to get them to cooperate and then I remembered how we drugged our cats, funny, and then I thought that we should get a cat again.”

Her, “It was cat nip."

Him,  "Not like we had her wrapping her lips around a hookah.”

Her, “Cats don’t have lips.... right?”

3.  Mid-meal revelation by the boy:

Him, “Did you know that you can get fart-blocking underwear??”

Us, “.....”

Him, “They have charcoal built into them for filtration.”

Me, “That would block the smell, not the sound.”

Him, “Of course.  Some guy invented them because his wife farted too much.”

Other memorable conversations included the future of hairlines, the fact that my eyes look Asian when I smile (observation from the boy), which countries give sucky haircuts and the amazing Spanx.

Always worth the price of admission.

Introducing Igor

Liam MMS'd a picture of this guy to me while I was in Russia.  From the original picture (taken from a much safer distance than this one), I thought he was a chicken and Werner thought that some chickens had been polluting the local Mallard gene pool.

Niether was correct, as is the norm when we are trying to identify local wildlife.

I would like to introduce the new kid on the block, Igor the Muscovy Duck.

He is actually supposed to look like this and one of his many distinctive features is his kick-ass talons.  I hope he sticks around.  He could really sort out some of the attitude problems on the canal.... Mallard Gangs, Murder Ducks, The Shithawks....

 

 

From Here to There

Today it is not -20C so I can't complain too much but this is where I currently live stay and work:

In one week, after the horror version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles has run its full 30-hours in reverse, I will be home to this:

 

The countdown is on!

I have three cameras on the go at any given time and I am continually downloading pictures so, here's the kicker, both of these pictures were on the same SD card which had only been in my camera for a week.  Defines "World's Apart".

Domains, Hostings, Pointing, FTP, PHP, SQL... WTF!

I have very recently decided to get a couple, well, three, domain names.  I don’t have a really good reason at this point except that I am really bored on a work assignment in the middle of snowy Russia where it is −20C outside and, I’ve been Googling stuff.  One website that I stopped at, amongst thousands, said that unless I have only been writing for a week, I should have my own domain.

Really?  OK.  If you say so (you being some anonymous but certainly authoritative entity).

So, I now have a domain which may or may not be the future home to this wonder of modern literature because I really can’t figure out how to get this over there.  I got the domain name and I secured a hosting site.  I have read tutorials but most of them are assuming that one understands the basics.  This one does not.

I have just sent off an email to the hosting site support centre apologizing profusely but pleading for help.  They have likely forwarded my request to the closest grade 3 student who should reply shortly.

Yes, I did indeed say three domain names.... because there was a deal if you got three.

The second one is going to be dedicated to my one true, heartfelt grievance, no, abhorrence!  Dog Foulers.  Since moving to The Netherlands, it is all I can think about some days.  Generally those days are when I have had to ask the kids to search their shoe bottoms because something smells really bad or, I have had guests from abroad and I have had to send them on their explorations by waving and saying, “Have fun and watch out for dog sh*t."

This second site will be a little public service announcement with facts regarding the health issues, law and disgusting-ness of not picking up their dog’s waste.  It may include pictures of repeat offenders, who knows?

The third secured domain name will be on hold until semi-retirement for a possible business venture.  How clandestine is that?

As a recommendation:  Don’t try to purchase something online with a Canadian identification, a Dutch credit card and a Russian IP address.  Painful.