What's Next?

"Items in the Mirror are Closer than they Appear"

And, this would be what I really wanted to say to the traffic cop in Washington last week.

What came out of my mouth was, "Thank you, Officer, I will be more careful."

Saying this hurt me more than childbirth.

The reason I had to say this and, thereby, graciously accept my first traffic violation in nine years was that apparently my insurance and registration expired in February!

What's with me and expiration dates lately?

I was pulled over for following too closely to the van in front of me which had slowed down to 47 mph in a 60 mph zone because he saw this police officer.  Idiot, he's the one who is the real risk out there.  Hardly my fault.

Even though the insignia on the officer's badge said "Expert" (seriously, it did) in no way can I believe that he could gage the distance between me and said van from his mobile position, in front of both of us, by looking in his rear view mirror.  Sorry, I don't buy it.

But, I couldn't tell him that because my plates were expired and had he known that, in British Columbia, our validation of insurance is directly reflected by the expiration date on our license plates, he could have had my vehicle impounded and then I would have been late for work, and broke.

I sat there and smiled and took his lecture.  He asked me what I would do if the car in front of me was involved in a collision; how would I react?

My normal response, of course, would be that my cat-like reflexes would kick in and, after safely coming to a stop, I would jump out and save lives because I'm a paramedic, you know, and that's what I do. And then he would smile knowingly and say to me, thanks for being out there, have a nice day.

So goes my fantasy.

Instead, I am now the first person in the history of the world to receive a traffic violation for tailgating without hitting anything.

About the insurance thing, I know that, in theory, it's my responsibility to know when my insurance expires but, there are people out there who have a better relationship with my Jeep than I have and therefore should have picked up on this.  For example, the insurance company.  I have been in to their office twice to insure other moving objects and they call up "my file" on a computer screen.  How hard would it have been to say something like, "So, what do you intend on using to pull this trailer because, according to our records, you don't have an car insured?"

Or what about the dude at the car dealership who has twice managed to find everything else old or not appropriately functioning on the Jeep.

Or, The Ex who has painfully pointed out absolutely everything that I have missed or neglected over the past 10 years.  Great time to slip, Bud.

Somebody owes me $124.

Very Cool

What's Next for Taryn

So, my beautiful daughter has graduated from high school for the first time and is slowly preparing to move out; back to the last city where we resided to attend another year of high school because Grade 12 was so much fun the first time around.  This year's goals include passing math, picking up a science, testing the strength of love, making her first million working at Jumbo Video and deciding what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  It's going to be a busy year and so far she has prepared for her grand adventure by ensuring that her most recent clothing purchases meet the school dress code.

Lately, I have been thinking about how quickly the last eighteen years have gone.  When I begin to feel melancholy, I think about the memorable incidents over the past two decades that have caused me to pray for her departure from home to come sooner.

When she was two years old, Club Fit had a great child care centre where the kids could plaster their limp bodies along the glass walls and watch their parents trying to ignore them for an hour.  The long trek from the Stairmaster to the change room took me past the glass wall where Taryn, being in the early years of her dramatics career, slid her face and outstretched arms down the glass leaving a streak of tears and saliva.  So, I broke the Club Fit rules and rescued her from the bowels of her crayon-ridden hell and told her to sit quietly in the locker room while I got changed.

Taryn sat on a bench in an empty corner, at least until the round lady emerged from the shower and walked purposefully towards a locker directly in front of Taryn.  My uncanny powers of premonition whipped me into action.  I sprung like a panther to Taryn's side, took her by the hand and began to lead her away.  She was looking back at the lady who, at that moment, dropped her towel to the floor and began to rummage through her gym bag for, perhaps, some underwear?

I'm sure this lady's ass just looked big because it happened to be bobbing around at exactly Taryn's height and, until that moment, I had been very proud of my daughter's ability to articulate so clearly at such a young age.

"Mommy.... look...."

Me leading her away, "Let's go, Taryn."

"Mommy, look at that lady."

Me, "Let's go, Honey, do you want to go to McDonald's?  I'll buy you a toy."

"Mommy, look!  That lady has a BIG BUTT!"

You guessed it, I switched gyms.

So as not to make this a novel, I will jump ahead to Year Sixteen (not to be confused with Sweet Sixteen).

My daughter had officially entered the phase of her teenaged years where she could do anything that she wanted because her mother was so super-gullible and trusted her implicitly.  So endearing.

Note to others who try:  When you tell the biggest lie of your entire life, it's a really good idea to get your eight involved friends on board and not script-in a faux break-in that will most certainly lead to police involvement.

Day 1 - I flew to Vancouver in the evening to teach for three days; reiterated all of the house rules to grandiose eye rolls and painful sighs.  I know that they know what the rules are but I also know that, if I don't say them, like out loud and everything, someone will claim that he or she was unaware of  whatever rule they have chosen to ignore.

Day 2 - Taryn phoned me mid-morning to tell me that someone had broken into the house during the night and stolen:

• $60 cash from the bulletin board
• birth control patches from her bedroom (it's for her complexion, I'm not running a brothel)
• and, oh, nothing else

I made sure everyone was safe, accounted for all house and vehicle keys and told her that I would have a police officer over to see them.  And, she was good with all of this.

Much like peeling the layers from an onion, this story continued to reveal indiscrepencies as the days went by.  Rather than put you through the pain that I went through, I will jump to the end.  Much like when we used to whisper an odd phrase in a circle around the campfire, this story had few similarities to the original one.

Taryn had invited a few friends over who called a few friends.... hot tub.... food money used for alcohol.... someone stole things.... somehow convinced younger brother, Liam, to lie to the police for her.... grounded for six months.

I could write all month about her exploits; the grief, the entertainment, her growth and, subsequently, my growth but there is one thing I have said about Taryn since she was an infant that still holds true today:

I love her strength and conviction and I know that she is going to be the type of adult who will stand by her beliefs and will never allow herself to be trodden upon.  I will be a better person for allowing her to survive long enough to become that person.

Drummers are Hot

I Just Got Back from a Little Trip

Did you know that it takes three years to complete an education that allows you to run one of these things?  It's a type of engineering degree.  If you close your eyes while riding your super-Euro pedal bike along side of them, they sound just like sailboats with their sails flapping and their works creaking.  I didn't actually close my eyes because I likely would have died and I totally forgot about that whole traveller's insurance thing but, that's what they sounded like.

 

And, did I mention the beer??  I discovered Rose Beer.  It's really hard to explain the taste without sounding like a total girl; it lacks that whole belchy beer taste and, instead, has the aftertaste of a berry tea (a man's description).  I don't think we can get it here in the Kootenays but it gives me a new mission.

Speaking of men (I know, you're finally paying attention), I met some of the most amazing people.  Unfortunately, some of them were my co-applicants for my next great job.  One in particular is an amazing specimen named Werner (pronounced Vanner; this took me two days to get) who hails from the South African military where he has experienced all of the things that I have only learned about in theory.  He is brilliant, handsome and was so much fun to explore Den Haag with.  He was the one who knew to ask the hotel concierge how to get back to the hotel even before we left.  As I said, brilliant.

Nothing can make me appreciate Canada like talking to people from other areas of the world who have been shot at work and have never seen snow.

Mr. Orwell, You Were Right

Shhhhhhh.....

Ixnay the alktay about the artelcay and the assportpay.

Sitemeter has informed me that I got a hit on my last post from the Feds.  Just when I'm trying to leave the country.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Note to self:  Must watch the buzz words.

The Secret Handshake

I've often wished that I had traveled more.  I have been envious of those who have emailed fabulous pictures of foreign lands, great smiles and dark beer.  You know the ones; no kids, only seem to be back on the homeland long enough to clean up and head out on their next grand adventure.  They have some freakish, innate ability to know exactly what to pack, how much money they need, where to stay, what the rules are, where they are going and, nothing ever goes wrong.

An example?  But of course.  Here is a short email conversation with a friend of mine who has recently gone to South America for well over a month.

Traveler:  I'm staying a little longer.

Me:  What?  How can you just do that.  What about your return ticket?  Do you have money?  Don't you have to go back to work?

Traveler:  Handled.  I'm taking this boat trip to see turtles.  It's about a week, I think.

Me:  What, so you just came up with an extra $1000 to take a cruise?

Traveler:  I met these two guys who knew someone.  Anyhoo, I got a good deal.

Me:  Being a mule only seems like a good deal.  When you land yourself in some Chilean jail with your new friends, remember that cartel is spelled c-a-r-t-e-l.

Traveler:  You're an idiot.

So, back to everything that I don't know about traveling.

I am going to The Netherlands on Monday for a job interview.  I know I sound so cool and collected when I say it like that but, I am not a world traveler.  I don't know the secret handshake.  For example, I thought that the expiry date on my Passport meant that it is valid until that date, being not expired and all.  Well, this is where you from the travelers' club are having a little giggle at my naivety.

I know I'm probably breaking some pinky-swear secret by letting Joe Public in on this one but, here it goes.

Your Passport must be valid for 3 to 6 months AFTER your return to the Mothership.

So, the expiry date on your Passport is not really an expiry date at all.  It's merely there to let you know that your Passport has, indeed, already expired.

Stay tuned to learn how you, too, can spend $1000 to get your Passport renewed really quickly.

Why I Shouldn't Leave Town

On a long distance phone call from home at 7:00 this morning;

"Mom?  It's Liam.  Do you know where my Passport is?"

Time for a Change of Scenery?

Good News in the Mail

One free, non-transferable round trip flight ticket anywhere in Pacific Coastal's world.  Which is:

I've spent quite a bit of time studying this map trying to pick my next vacation destination.  I can't seem to find Hawaii anywhere on their routes.  Everything seems to be north of my current location.  Who travels north?

I'm now wishing that it was Air Canada that elected to turn off one of their engines over the mountains whilst I was traveling with them last September.

Seriously, nice gesture on the part of the airline considering I didn't even write one of my typical super-bitch letters.  Also, I'm so glad that they were able to reiterate in the accompanying letter that I was completely safe throughout the entire incident.

They really look forward to serving me in the future.