Summer is here!!
My sweet little Bandit is out, insured and serviced! Beautiful day made better by a sweet little jaunt on the curvy roads of the mountains Hair blowing in the wind..... shit.
Note to self.... remember to braid hair to avoid matted tendrils. That's an hour of my life I will never get back.
"Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident driver avoids using them."
Love it!
So, I have been corresponding with a clinical nutritionist in-training who sells vitamins. Obviously I was drunk last time I was filling out a survey on the internet and thought I would actually win a TV or an Escalade if I gave them my real phone number. I tried the usual dodges of saying that I was the nanny; Kim is wintering in Arizona, je ne comprend pas l’anglais. She was persistent and I am a worthless liar. And, what do you know, even though I live slightly to the left of the middle of butt-fuck nowhere; she lives a mere two hours away. Seriously, no one lives anywhere near me and the survey was on the World Wide Web. How does that even happen?
She is actually quite a nice lady and, came to my village for coffee. We evaluate my nutritional needs and what I would like to change. I would like the 15 (or so) pounds of fat that lives between my rib cage and my hips (hiding my six pack abs-of-steel) to go away and I don’t want to eat less or exercise more. Simple request; she is the expert.
This next little tidbit of information may be found disturbing to some readers. There is no pill for that, contrary to what the early morning infomercials have taught me.
Clinical Nutritionist In-training has asked me to email her what I eat and what I do for activity for four days so that she can better assess my needs. I am on Day 2 and have had the best dietary intake EVER, and I have been impressively active as well. I have found the answer….. wait for it…… ACCOUNTABILITY!
I can’t have Pizza Pockets for breakfast and a Caramel Machiatto for lunch if I have to tell somebody! A Clinical Nutritionist In-Training, no less. What would she think? Unfortunately, she is going to receive an incredibly inaccurate depiction of my former life and be completely unable to do anything for me. My suggestion will be that I continue to send her my daily sheets and she can continue evaluating them until she comes up with a plan….giggle.
And, I may even buy some vitamins.
Salvador
$9.99 paid
aprox 4 months old
Jack
$89.99 paid
aprox. 6 months old now
As much as I can be happy for a friend getting a deal on something, it really blows that I didn't.
I bought Jack for the boy a couple of months ago and, was quite impressed with myself for talking the pet store reptile chick down from $109 to $89 on a creature that was 3 inches long and can be caught in the wild everywhere except Canada. Yup, I bartered so well on that one, I'm ready for a Tijuana shopping spree.
So, I tell my friend, Sue, what a great pet he is; way easier to take care of than the kids. She knows this, has an iguana, and is intrigued. A few days ago, while in a pet store placing a cricket order (for the iguana) she is browsing and sees the cute guy above, Sal, and inquires of the young reptile chick. Reptile Chick replies confidently, "that's a Salvador Salamander and he is $9.99". Sue is not one to immediately pounce on the obviously inept. She will, however, give them a couple of chances to either sink or swim. This one....like a rock.
Sue tells Reptile Chick that she thinks that this is, in reality, a Leopard Gecko and gives her the opportunity to price check. The expert proceeds to re-read the writing on the terrarium, turns to Sue and says, "Nope, that's a Salvador Salamander and it is $9.99". That's two... the panther is circling.
Sue asks Reptile Chick if there is someone else who she should run the price by. Reptile Chick announces to Sue that there is no one else who she needs to check with and, in fact, she knows her lizards. Critical error.
Sue got Sal for 10 bucks, her crickets and his current habitat for an extra $8.99. As happy as she is with her incredible deal, she is fully aware that she can never return to that store after they have completed their next inventory count and find they are short one Leopard Gecko and up a Salamander.
I am 40 years old and my mother does NOT have dementia.
This is a revisiting of a story that many have heard but I feel a need to repeat because of the incredulity of the events.
A couple of years ago, I was living in Belleville, Ontario and working as a paramedic for the region. Nice place; population around 50,000 (not 25; important to remember as this unfortunate chain of events unfolds). My mother was visiting her sister in Montreal and rode the train to Belleville. She knew that on the day of her arrival, I was working a day shift; MAY have been off on time to pick her up. The kids are at home.
Taxi ride $7.
She knew the door lock code.
She knew where I lived.
She knew the home phone number (where the kids were).
She knew my cell phone number.
She got off the train and I was not there.
Now, take a moment and think what you would do if faced with the same circumstances….
Would you perhaps…..CALL THE POLICE??
I am having chest pain right now just reliving this. I need a moment.
OK, so, as I am dropping off a patient at the hospital in the next town over, Napanee (yes, home town of Avril Lavigne), the triage nurse tells us to call our dispatcher. My partner phones, giggles (bitch, like she doesn’t have relatives), and says to me…. “It’s for you; your Mom is trying to find you.” You know that feeling when so much blood has rushed to your face that you’re fairly certain that there is none left in your legs? Yes, that was me.
Wait! It gets worse. My dispatcher goes on to tell me that they received a phone call from the Belleville Police Service who received a phone call from Mom explaining that I was supposed to pick her up at the train station and, didn’t. Since I worked so closely with the police, did they know where I was? And, that she was still waiting at the train station for me 2 hours later. And, could they please tell me that she would continue to wait. It was at this exact moment that I came to the realization that we would have to move again.
I arrived at the train station to see my Mom loading her suitcases into a VIA rail employee’s car; this poor, slight, scared-looking girl who, I am certain, had been feeling emotions that she had never felt before; some combination of fear, good samaritan-ship, and desperate hope to be able to see her family again. It’s not that my Mom comes across as a terrorist or anything. She actually seems nice enough to make you feel that you should trust her but there is that small, nagging voice in the back of your soul that says, RUN.
So, after I load my Mom’s suitcases and listen to the screeching tires of VIA rail girl making her escape, I say, as calmly as I can muster, “What the hell were you thinking?”
Her reply; “It’s not like I called 9-1-1; I called the police department’s non-emergency line…. twice. They were very nice.”
They always try to keep your kind calm.
Never has there been an admission of wrong-doing.
I now live in BC.
Were you aware that the same area of the brain is responsible for receiving both pain and pleasure stimuli?
This explains so much; my past marriage, my relationship with my mother, the reason I agreed to teach the Air Cadets first aid, cooking. It is truly a profound moment of clarification.
I have nothing to add to this right now. Please pause to reflect, I know I will.
Well, I realize that this should be in the "About Me" page but, it's going here because I have yet to figure out the format there. My name is Kim.
1. Mom
- The Boy, 12 (for entertainment purposes)
- The Girl, 16 (shoot me now)
2. Zoo Keeper
- Luna, black lab
- Phoenix, yellow lab
- Cuddles, rat cat (named In Absentia)
- Jack, gecko
- Taryn & Liam, aforementioned children
3. Separated, because we are both too cheap to get a divorce
- This is not a dating site, just a warning of long-winded, inappropriate rants.
4. Government Employee
- Non-specific until I determine if my rants soil my professional credibility.
5. Biker Chick
- Suzuki Bandit
- Important right now because it's almost time.
6. Other tasks as required
- You know how they add this into your job description so that they can make you do any inane task?
Well, blogging. One of my closest friends (since grade 5) just sent me a link to her newly established blog and told me what a great idea it is (I know it's not new, I'm not an idiot). I truly think that she is just trying to find me an alternate outlet so that I'll leave her alone. I have read blogs before like www.mymoneyblog.com which make me feel completely inadequate and new technology review blogs which make me feel very advanced until I admit to myself that I really don't understand a thing they are talking about. I keep thinking that I should catch on. Maybe tomorrow.
If you have stumbled upon this blog because of some unfortunate google match, maybe you will find a link that is useful to you or some entertainment in what is sure to be ramblings filled with unrelated offshoots worthy of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe type novels. If you are a friend and I have sent you this link, read thoroughly; there will be a test.
